​​​​At the end of  March 1999, just under a month of being together again, we found out I was pregnant. I booked an appointment with my GP and went for bloodwork, at the beginning of April, my GP confirmed that I was pregnant. We were happy and excited, and only shared the news with a few close friends and one family member. A few weeks later, I had an accident where I passed out and hit my head on the bathtub, I was brought to the hospital, the bloodwork taken that night didn't show that I was pregnant, a few days afterwards, I had an ultrasound that showed I was not pregnant anymore. I was heartbroken. I wanted to know what I did wrong. I still think about that time, and how her (I always believed it would have been a girl) birthday (due date was/) would have been November 29. I didn't know until more recently that many women experience miscarriages and pregnancy loss, I guess, it is still a taboo subject. I felt shame, I didn't ever tell my family or Kirk's family.

​Kirk and I became a stronger couple and we knew when the time was right again that we could be expecting and we would be wonderful co-parents since we talked about how we wanted to raise our children since the beginning of our relationship. 

Today is my two year anniversary being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. November has been hard this year, but it seems like I have had difficult Novembers every year or most years. When I was a teenager, November is when I got mono and sprained my ankle during a food drive. My dad passed away in November five years ago. And this year, maybe it's COVID fatigue, I've been having troubles sleeping, being fatigued, and having difficulties being motivated most days. Most mornings is hard to get up and get going, my legs and feet feel like they're full of pins and needles. I lay on my back and wiggle my toes, then my feet, and finally my legs to get the pain to lessen so I can get myself together for my online classes. I've had very few "good days" this month, but when I do have a good day I really appreciate the time and energy.

​On Wednesday, I had a class presentation about self-care. I was nervous to share but I realized that we had to share and my class is super supportive of each other. I was able to share my story about myself, my influences, my past issue(s), my life with Fibromyalgia, and how I am planning to self care in my daily routine.  My classmates were amazing, sharing praise and really made me realize my dream is possible and I will not allow my illness define me. I'm surrounded by wonderful and brave classmates, I am so grateful this is our class, and we are growing together and pushing each other for greatness: where our paths after IWAP I am sure these people will be the greatest in their respected fields. I am proud of them and the passion they bring to helping out others. F.Y.I. we take our course online through zoom, good times!
​

​Today, I promised myself a day of rest since I was home alone. I fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. My neck and back felt twisted and I just relaxed most of the day. At lunchtime, my husband came home and made me feel happy and we spent time cuddling until he had to go back to work. I treated myself to a Cineplex rental tonight; I rented Frida, I have never seen the movie. It was so beautiful and amazingly casted, I do recommend this film.

When my fibro fog embarrasses me is definitely the worst, some people either don't know about my illness or they aren't aware of some of the symptoms, like cognitive issues. Today I went to help take photos of my daughter's skating development team and I forgot my memory card in my computer. 🤦

​Another mom lent a memory card to me for the session and the photos were taken. I hope the girls and their moms like the different poses we came up with for this year's team photo; it was hard this year because we are unable to use the ice surface.

I left so stupid trying to tell one of the figure skaters to have her hand on her hips... I kept saying shoulders. She must of thought I was crazy or stupid or both. It's such a struggle. 

Five years ago today, my dad suddenly passed away. This was, and is still hard on me. My dad and I had our ups and downs, and when we would not see eye to eye, we could go weeks or months (even once it was a couple years) without talking to each other. So, in early fall 2015, I became upset with my dad because of something he said to my stepmother about my eldest child wanting to visit after school then go to her after school programs; he said she wasn't allowed over and it was because he didn't want her there so he could drink alcohol. I was heartbroken and I didn't want to allow him to hurt my daughter like he had hurt me before: "That was the last straw" and I wasn't talking to him again for hurting my girl.

On November 18, my dad and stepmother called to asked if they could bring the children their Christmas gifts that night because my stepmom was leaving for Florida for the winter. I had a plans to attend a Girl Guide leader meeting and I agreed that the kids and the grandparents could get together for this occasion.  When my husband came to pick me up from my meeting and he said how great the visit was and it looked like we had another chance to work on our relationship and my dad seemed like he wanted to be involved in the kids' winter activities while my stepmom was away. I was happy and excited to be with my family again.

The next morning, we got the call around 7 or 7:15 from my uncle who explained what had happened to my dad, he had died in his sleep. I was in shock. It didn't make sense. How could it be that last night, he was happy giving the children their gifts and talking about future plans. I just kept thinking to myself "what the fuck". I wanted to step up and be a support for my stepmother, I hope she is grateful that I tried but I feel I didn't do enough for her, I feel I caused more pain for both of us.

I am beyond grateful I had Kirk. I was completely lost. He made sure I was taken care of, I was eating, and resting, and we decided that my pre-planned Girl Guide trip for that upcoming weekend was a good distraction while I waited for the funeral things took place the following Monday.

This is my favorite photo (as an adult) with my dad; this was taken at my brother's wedding in August 2013.

When I got married in 2008, he didn't attend my wedding. It broke my heart then and still brings tears that he couldn't put his pride aside for his youngest daughter.

So, tonight, reflecting about our father-daughter relationship; listening to a playlist of his favorite songs and songs I like because I think of him.
I know he was such a good man, he worked damn hard for us, when we were children, taking on part time/night shift jobs to make it work.
I know something made him the way he was with me. He'd be surprised when I would say goodnight dad and give him a kiss goodbye after our visits. 
​ 

I am who I was because of him and I am working on my new self but I will make sure I keep the special pieces. That made him an awesome person. Like, it was so sweet that his last night on earth was celebrating Christmas with my children and my stepmom & husband. I am so happy for their special memory they get to share together.

Dude! I have three Flickr accounts; I remember 2 of 3's email address, was able to reset password. 
1st account has family pictures, which I am cherishing right now since I lost about a decade's worth of photography and videos from my malfunctioning storage unit.
2nd account was Girl Guide photos
3rd account was my wedding day pictures - - -cannot remember email address I used to join... Flickr remembers me! I hope to figure this out before bedtime. 

​UPDATE: grateful for flickr support that I was able to get my 3rd account approved and back in my name with a current email address.