​​​​At the end of  March 1999, just under a month of being together again, we found out I was pregnant. I booked an appointment with my GP and went for bloodwork, at the beginning of April, my GP confirmed that I was pregnant. We were happy and excited, and only shared the news with a few close friends and one family member. A few weeks later, I had an accident where I passed out and hit my head on the bathtub, I was brought to the hospital, the bloodwork taken that night didn't show that I was pregnant, a few days afterwards, I had an ultrasound that showed I was not pregnant anymore. I was heartbroken. I wanted to know what I did wrong. I still think about that time, and how her (I always believed it would have been a girl) birthday (due date was/) would have been November 29. I didn't know until more recently that many women experience miscarriages and pregnancy loss, I guess, it is still a taboo subject. I felt shame, I didn't ever tell my family or Kirk's family.

​Kirk and I became a stronger couple and we knew when the time was right again that we could be expecting and we would be wonderful co-parents since we talked about how we wanted to raise our children since the beginning of our relationship. 

Today is my two year anniversary being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. November has been hard this year, but it seems like I have had difficult Novembers every year or most years. When I was a teenager, November is when I got mono and sprained my ankle during a food drive. My dad passed away in November five years ago. And this year, maybe it's COVID fatigue, I've been having troubles sleeping, being fatigued, and having difficulties being motivated most days. Most mornings is hard to get up and get going, my legs and feet feel like they're full of pins and needles. I lay on my back and wiggle my toes, then my feet, and finally my legs to get the pain to lessen so I can get myself together for my online classes. I've had very few "good days" this month, but when I do have a good day I really appreciate the time and energy.

​On Wednesday, I had a class presentation about self-care. I was nervous to share but I realized that we had to share and my class is super supportive of each other. I was able to share my story about myself, my influences, my past issue(s), my life with Fibromyalgia, and how I am planning to self care in my daily routine.  My classmates were amazing, sharing praise and really made me realize my dream is possible and I will not allow my illness define me. I'm surrounded by wonderful and brave classmates, I am so grateful this is our class, and we are growing together and pushing each other for greatness: where our paths after IWAP I am sure these people will be the greatest in their respected fields. I am proud of them and the passion they bring to helping out others. F.Y.I. we take our course online through zoom, good times!
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​Today, I promised myself a day of rest since I was home alone. I fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. My neck and back felt twisted and I just relaxed most of the day. At lunchtime, my husband came home and made me feel happy and we spent time cuddling until he had to go back to work. I treated myself to a Cineplex rental tonight; I rented Frida, I have never seen the movie. It was so beautiful and amazingly casted, I do recommend this film.

When my fibro fog embarrasses me is definitely the worst, some people either don't know about my illness or they aren't aware of some of the symptoms, like cognitive issues. Today I went to help take photos of my daughter's skating development team and I forgot my memory card in my computer. 🤦

​Another mom lent a memory card to me for the session and the photos were taken. I hope the girls and their moms like the different poses we came up with for this year's team photo; it was hard this year because we are unable to use the ice surface.

I left so stupid trying to tell one of the figure skaters to have her hand on her hips... I kept saying shoulders. She must of thought I was crazy or stupid or both. It's such a struggle. 

Five years ago today, my dad suddenly passed away. This was, and is still hard on me. My dad and I had our ups and downs, and when we would not see eye to eye, we could go weeks or months (even once it was a couple years) without talking to each other. So, in early fall 2015, I became upset with my dad because of something he said to my stepmother about my eldest child wanting to visit after school then go to her after school programs; he said she wasn't allowed over and it was because he didn't want her there so he could drink alcohol. I was heartbroken and I didn't want to allow him to hurt my daughter like he had hurt me before: "That was the last straw" and I wasn't talking to him again for hurting my girl.

On November 18, my dad and stepmother called to asked if they could bring the children their Christmas gifts that night because my stepmom was leaving for Florida for the winter. I had a plans to attend a Girl Guide leader meeting and I agreed that the kids and the grandparents could get together for this occasion.  When my husband came to pick me up from my meeting and he said how great the visit was and it looked like we had another chance to work on our relationship and my dad seemed like he wanted to be involved in the kids' winter activities while my stepmom was away. I was happy and excited to be with my family again.

The next morning, we got the call around 7 or 7:15 from my uncle who explained what had happened to my dad, he had died in his sleep. I was in shock. It didn't make sense. How could it be that last night, he was happy giving the children their gifts and talking about future plans. I just kept thinking to myself "what the fuck". I wanted to step up and be a support for my stepmother, I hope she is grateful that I tried but I feel I didn't do enough for her, I feel I caused more pain for both of us.

I am beyond grateful I had Kirk. I was completely lost. He made sure I was taken care of, I was eating, and resting, and we decided that my pre-planned Girl Guide trip for that upcoming weekend was a good distraction while I waited for the funeral things took place the following Monday.

This is my favorite photo (as an adult) with my dad; this was taken at my brother's wedding in August 2013.

When I got married in 2008, he didn't attend my wedding. It broke my heart then and still brings tears that he couldn't put his pride aside for his youngest daughter.

So, tonight, reflecting about our father-daughter relationship; listening to a playlist of his favorite songs and songs I like because I think of him.
I know he was such a good man, he worked damn hard for us, when we were children, taking on part time/night shift jobs to make it work.
I know something made him the way he was with me. He'd be surprised when I would say goodnight dad and give him a kiss goodbye after our visits. 
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I am who I was because of him and I am working on my new self but I will make sure I keep the special pieces. That made him an awesome person. Like, it was so sweet that his last night on earth was celebrating Christmas with my children and my stepmom & husband. I am so happy for their special memory they get to share together.

Dude! I have three Flickr accounts; I remember 2 of 3's email address, was able to reset password. 
1st account has family pictures, which I am cherishing right now since I lost about a decade's worth of photography and videos from my malfunctioning storage unit.
2nd account was Girl Guide photos
3rd account was my wedding day pictures - - -cannot remember email address I used to join... Flickr remembers me! I hope to figure this out before bedtime. 

​UPDATE: grateful for flickr support that I was able to get my 3rd account approved and back in my name with a current email address.

Honestly, I am spoiled. I get a lot of help with my hair. There was a time when every time I washed my hair, I would be exhausted afterwards, still happens once and a while, so I ask for someone in the house to brush my hair for me. For about a year, I have had long hair. I believe it would have been shoulder length this time last year and now it's just above my chest. My preferred hairstyle for several years has been the pixie cut and most years previous to 2010, I usually kept to bobs and chin length styles, with the exceptions of three different years that I had long hair for special occasions: 1997, 2005 & 2008.


My daughters bugged me to grow my hair long and they promised they would style it for me as long as it was grown out. Just my oldest daughter was actually helping with my hair, she would braid my bangs and pin them back when I was started college in the fall of 2019. For my birthday this year, my oldest daughter gave me that cute crimped look in my blog profile photo (she did my makeup too). In the late spring, or early summer, she started doing French braid in my hair, I love that look. When she left for college in September, my husband styled my hair a few times and I really loved the style he tried on September 13th, it was simply beautiful.

Lately, I am sick of my long hair, it's so damaged from the hair dyes I've used and I've tried reviving it but it's still broken and the color is imperfect. I am very temped to go back to a pixie style but might consider a style that is short and could easily be styled with a braid or something simple for my daughter(s) or my husband to style for me.

It's been a day, all week actually. I was scrolling through the social media feeds and something caught my eye... I had passed a survey on one of the Fibromyalgia support groups and one of the options on the survey was "did you have mono" - - - omg! I had mono in the fall of 1996. So I absolutely had to see if there was an actual connection between mono and fibro. My mind is blown. I can't believe that I didn't hear about this connection before but I think this works in my story. 

In 1995/96, until that summer, I was totally in my rebellious stage. Things came to screeching halt when I went overboard and had alcohol poising in August 1996. I stopped being with the party people I knew before, I went back to a certain circle of friends, and found new love. It was a sweet and innocent relationship, so sweet and innocent, that we just kissed and held hands, he was respectful of my boundaries. He was a gentleman; we lived down the street from each other and took advantage of our neighbour and hung out in the parks and go for walks together. 

I was trying to sort in my memory bank: how did I contract mono? Around the time I had fell ill and went for lab work, and saw my family GP, I hadn't seen my boy for several weeks (I was in grade 11 and he was in his first year of college).  I must had caught it from sharing food and drinks with my girlfriends, we shared everything. Teen girls, eh?! I did look into and found "The virus has an incubation period of approximately four to six weeks". That fact matches that the last kisses we shared were the beginning to mid-October; he was busy with school, so was I, I had a stacked first semester. In November I was busy with different volunteer projects, our school's food bank drive was a big event that I adored getting out in the community with empty boxes and bags and knocking on doors and bringing food to our local food bank. One household was so generous, there was a giant box loaded with canned and boxed goods, I was able to pick it up, start down the roadway to get the goods to our teacher's SUV, as I approached the vehicle, my right ankle rolled in a pot hole and I went down with the box. My team ran at me, to help me collect the items, and myself back on my feet but I had sprained my ankle. After returning our haul back to the school for the finally tally, ate pizza, and did the mandatory group photo. The following day, I was kept home to rest my foot and get to the GP.  I am fairly certain that I was not seen for mono testing at that appointment cause my ankle. I was told to rest a few days and get back to school, and take it easy. Then a week or two later in November, was I had another GP appointment and was told I had mono and stayed home for several more days. When I was home, on bedrest for having mono, I had a couple, sweet friends decide to go shop for a get well gift for me; while they were at the mall, the saw my new boyfriend holding hands and kissing another girl. It was the truth, because the friends who saw him with another girl, were friends that in my circle who introduced us together in August. Really, we were still on speaking turns literally until I got mono, a week without talking and no conversation about break-up.

FOOTNOTE: I found my report card from November 6, 1996 - yup, missing a couple day for the ankle injury. 

I just had to share that the wonderful person who created my ribbon skirts in September; she created this one for me in October. I love so much. I am hoping for nice weather to happen on a good day (for me) so I can get a photo done wearing it, or it might have to wait until spring.

Please check out her etsy page: HopeAndElizaDesigns