Chantal Cain
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(Sometimes) Daddy's Girl

11/19/2020

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Five years ago today, my dad suddenly passed away. This was, and is still hard on me. My dad and I had our ups and downs, and when we would not see eye to eye, we could go weeks or months (even once it was a couple years) without talking to each other. So, in early fall 2015, I became upset with my dad because of something he said to my stepmother about my eldest child wanting to visit after school then go to her after school programs; he said she wasn't allowed over and it was because he didn't want her there so he could drink alcohol. I was heartbroken and I didn't want to allow him to hurt my daughter like he had hurt me before: "That was the last straw" and I wasn't talking to him again for hurting my girl.

On November 18, my dad and stepmother called to asked if they could bring the children their Christmas gifts that night because my stepmom was leaving for Florida for the winter. I had a plans to attend a Girl Guide leader meeting and I agreed that the kids and the grandparents could get together for this occasion.  When my husband came to pick me up from my meeting and he said how great the visit was and it looked like we had another chance to work on our relationship and my dad seemed like he wanted to be involved in the kids' winter activities while my stepmom was away. I was happy and excited to be with my family again.

The next morning, we got the call around 7 or 7:15 from my uncle who explained what had happened to my dad, he had died in his sleep. I was in shock. It didn't make sense. How could it be that last night, he was happy giving the children their gifts and talking about future plans. I just kept thinking to myself "what the fuck". I wanted to step up and be a support for my stepmother, I hope she is grateful that I tried but I feel I didn't do enough for her, I feel I caused more pain for both of us.

I am beyond grateful I had Kirk. I was completely lost. He made sure I was taken care of, I was eating, and resting, and we decided that my pre-planned Girl Guide trip for that upcoming weekend was a good distraction while I waited for the funeral things took place the following Monday.
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This is my favorite photo (as an adult) with my dad; this was taken at my brother's wedding in August 2013.

When I got married in 2008, he didn't attend my wedding. It broke my heart then and still brings tears that he couldn't put his pride aside for his youngest daughter.

So, tonight, reflecting about our father-daughter relationship; listening to a playlist of his favorite songs and songs I like because I think of him.
I know he was such a good man, he worked damn hard for us, when we were children, taking on part time/night shift jobs to make it work.
I know something made him the way he was with me. He'd be surprised when I would say goodnight dad and give him a kiss goodbye after our visits. 
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I am who I was because of him and I am working on my new self but I will make sure I keep the special pieces. That made him an awesome person. Like, it was so sweet that his last night on earth was celebrating Christmas with my children and my stepmom & husband. I am so happy for their special memory they get to share together.


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July 25, 2017.
My dad told his sisters how he wanted to travel to Ireland someday and he didn't get to fulfill that dream. In 2017, my daughter, Sarah was one of sixteen young women selected to join a Girl Guide of Canada patrol to attend a Ireland Girl Guides camp event in the summer. Just a few days before she left I asked if she could help me with a special gesture to grant my dad a wish he couldn't live himself. At the end of July 2017, Sarah took my favorite picture of my dad and brought him to Ireland. She took this photo for me.
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My dad's dream was to visit Ireland. Thank you Sarah for making my wish come true for him.
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2018 Reflections

12/31/2018

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2018 Reflections was originally a blog post I wrote for my Blogger account,
​I decided that I would prefer all my materials in one place.

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​Today is the last day of 2018, and the first day of my new blog; tried blogging in 2009/2010 and an unfortunate situation occurred and discouraged me from continuing on and completely deleting my work. My first blog was about being a stay-at-home mother, DIY projects, crafts, and homeschooling. I did blog about being a Girl Guide leader for a while (mostly during my time as a Sparks leader). My new blog will be different this time around... more journal style and as my title of the blog indicates, that it is "a work in progress" and I am also a work in progress. I thought my first blog would be a reflection of 2018.
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2018 had many ups and downs and I wanted to share some of those highlights/low blows:

Photo 1, Katie with her Girl Guide cookie throne.

Many wonderful Girl Guide events happened Thanks to Cookies. Katie sells 80 cases of GGC cookies every year, and because she is such a hard working entrepreneur she received camping opportunities (Bonita Glen & Ecology center), a trip to Ottawa for a Rosie Revel themed sleepover, and earned a reward that she used to purchase her very own roller blades and safety gear.

Photo 2, Miley

I adopted Miley on March 29th. She is such a treasure. She has been my therapy dog. She is one of the biggest highlights from my year. I am grateful for her company when times are tough, when I can't sleep through the night, and when I am ill.

Photo 3, Our family portrait

This photo was taken after David's grade 6 graduation, that week, we decided that the smaller children would be attending public school and all three children would be in different schools/starting new adventures.

Photo 4, David the pitcher

I love a good baseball game, especially when David is the pitcher or the catcher. I get the best photos of him thanks to the sports setting on my camera! I love David's spirit, he is always encouraging others and trying his best at whatever he gets involved with... good job Boo.

Photo 5, Rosco and Katie

On July 13th, Katie said goodbye to her cat before she left for Mom & Me camp at Doe Lake, while she was away, Rosco passed away after being sick for several months. Rosco was not alone when he passed, Sarah stayed by his side comforting him and keeping him warm and cozy in the dog's bed. I believe Rosco waited until Katie was gone for the weekend to let go. Katie coped with the news very maturely and knew her pet was no longer suffering. She prepared funeral arrangements and we said our final goodbyes on July 18th

Photo 6, Rainboots on the floating dock

I was fortunate for the opportunity to work at Camp Adelaide again this summer. My contract started 36 hours after my volunteer gig at Camp Woolsey. I had to rush home, repack, celebrate our wedding anniversary, sleep, and rush to Haliburton. I got to work with the most amazing young women; it was a pleasure to help, assist, and share (my story with) them.
One (LOL moment) highlight would defiantly be the day I said during a safety staff Sunday meeting that "I have never seen a bear here in the 6 years I have worked at Adelaide" and then saw a cub on my rounds before the campers arrived for their week.
I knew this would possibly be my last summer at Adelaide (I thought last summer was the last one but fate changed that), I took the opportunity to visit sites that I had not had the chance to enjoy on my previous volunteer job or as a camper. I took a few super special photos at camp and I said my goodbye to my camp/my home/my dreams.

*Adelaide will be closing in 2019, and will not run summer camping program.

Photo 7, Kirk & CeCe

For our 20th anniversary, we drove to the place where we meet and had a few photos taken together in the yard of the wedding hall. We had our first kiss at the fence in the yard, and we posed there for our picture.

Photo 8, Sarah/"when in Rome"

Sarah is gone to Italy for the school year as a Rotary Student exchange. In November 2017, we found out that she was accepted and in February she found out her country. She has worked very hard to earn this opportunity and I am super proud of her. This is one of many favorite photos of her in Italy, this one is an inside joke, and she looks so beautiful.

Photo 9, Room #2

Oh, room #2 at my doctor's office I have spent many hours sitting there... so many appointments, so many referrals, so many blood work requisitions, so many x-rays, one CT scan, and one MRI later I finally received my diagnosis on November 27th.

I just wanted to add a few more photos to this post

Thankful for Right Brain Child; I get to bring my child to be creative and sometimes. I’m lucky enough to play teacher and get creative too. And a funny boss who runs with a good joke… “Chontelle”
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I was fortunate to work another summer at camp Adelaide.
I am grateful for the time I worked alongside some amazing women…
I was reunited with Nessie & Synapse for their volunteer weekends.
I saw Pelican grow over the 3 summers she worked at Adelaide;
take the time to jump in the puddles and enjoy the adventure, my friend.
Before I left camp on my last night,
I gave boxes of Girl Guide cookies to the women who travelled overseas to work with us at Adelaide,
you will always hold a special place in my heart…
camp life is hard but so rewarding when you are lucky enough with women like them.
I can’t wait for my Shutterfly artwork to arrive and that
I can add my Ontario camping 2018 badge to the frame.
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After an internal struggle throughout the summer, I resigned from my positions with GGC on August 27th.
I am very sad that I wasn’t able to finish my term, but I am grateful for the training sessions and
​the opportunities being ACL provided me.
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Speaking of Girl Guide opportunities… we got to be Happy Campers at three different
Girl Guide Ontario camps this year. And one special event in Ottawa…that reunited me with
my best friend Elf. I am grateful for that small amount of time we were able to reconnect
​and it honestly rejuvenated my soul.
Waiting and testing and visiting doctors/specialists and hospitals, etc. was the hardest part…
not knowing what was wrong was agony.
Currently in mindfulness therapy and started physiotherapy for my knee…
Able to sleep now thanks to the sleep clinic’s diagnosis and
trying to live and cope with depression & anxiety and being diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
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Camplife: pieces from my camp journal

8/28/2018

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 As I was finishing up my volunteer week at Camp Woolsey, I signed up for a month long contract to be a camp counsellor for Adelaide. I had about 33 "off" with travel to and from camp (twice) and time to clean my gear, repack, and head out to Adelaide for the rest of August. AND celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary! (we will be celebrating our 20th anniversary of being a couple in September)
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Before I left for Girl Guide camp, I quit drinking pop. Cold turkey. I had my last Coke Zero on August 4 and knew I would be away for three weeks, which would be the perfect time to stop drinking pop to see if my sides stop hurting so much. I believe the pop is affecting my kidneys, and I can feel the intense pain in my lowers back & sides. I still haven't drank any pop but I do not feel better, my pains in my kidney area is still there, almost daily.

​I returned home from working at Girl Guide camp and I needed several days to recover; I was not sleeping properly and was in constant pain. It hurt to wear shoes when I was working, it was too painful to wear my high-tops, I would wear my sandals or rainboots. When I got home, I cried and slept so much. I couldn't even walk downstairs to my office two floors lower from my bedroom (I barely even went one floor down to the kitchen/living room). I had a medical appointment with my family physician, and she sent me for x-rays; I felt like my feet were broken or fractured. That session at the x-ray department was so hard, I cried in every position the technician placed me into, poor thing was so apologetic during the whole process.
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2018/08/16
​When I was alone at home, in bed trying to recover from camplife; I went into thinking spirals and I fell into a depression again. I felt that I wasn't able to be strong enough for my final year of my Administrative Community Leader term for Community 34. That I was letting people down.  I wasn't able to make time to volunteer my ACL role while I was working from 6:45 a.m. to 11 p.m., my downtime I made sure that I did selfcare and rested for that hour and a bit I had off each day. I felt that I was unappreciated by my camp director at Adelaide. She purposely avoided me the last two days when my condition was worsening. I was falling into a very sad state of mind, I had given up precious weeks that I could have been spending with my eldest daughter who was leaving for Italy for a 10 month student exchange. I was at my saddest when I missed her Italian consulate visit in Toronto and her 16th birthday. I was grateful for the support of the Red Shirts (Staff) who had hugs and kind words to help me through and help me find strength.
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​My mind wasn't clear or sharp during my last few days of work: One morning when I had first session off and my sleep-in morning, I got up and I was making myself breakfast and tea, and I ended up pouring freshly boiled water over my right hand while I was holding the mug for my tea. I didn't react quickly and poured a fair amount that cause a burn more serious than I have ever done before. I went straight to first aid/wellness center for help, but I was brushed aside and told to run cold water on it. I did but it wasn't enough. By lunch time, I was becoming zombie-like because of the intense pain and lack of treatment (besides running cold water on it twice). The camp had some special guests visiting and grading the camp for their Ontario camp status, and the camp director suddenly was sincere and concerned about me, it felt like she didn't want me around the guests because I was unwell and injured; I was rushed into another section of the building, away from the dining hall with the campers and guests, and into a quiet area and was given treatment for my burn, which she said she was concerned about the severity but didn't bring me to the hospital or even wrote a incident report. I had a hard time understanding why I would work so hard, as a volunteer and then as a contract employee for them to mistreat me and not appreciate my dedication to the organization and the camp.
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2018/08/21
Wednesday afternoon, I gave my notice to the second in command in the director's office, camp director was M.I.A. whenever I needed her that day. I had 24 hours to reflect at Camp Adelaide about my wellness, my life, my roles as volunteer, etc. until the time I was scheduled to be picked up for my weekend off. I was just going home for good. I took the time to encourage the women who were tired and starting to feel the drain. I went to different places I wasn't able to explore before. I said goodbye to my camp, my home. I made peace with the idea that this was my last sunset at Adelaide. 
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2018/08/22
Today, I was falling apart and it broke my heart while I wrote my letter and I gave my notice to the GGC - Ontario Council Deputy Provincial Commissioner, my ACL Advisor, and my Community Planner. I could not continue my role as ACL for C34.
In two days, I go for my CT Scan and I have my follow up with the doctor and specialist. Next month, I start a mindfulness program with a psychiatrist: The Mindfulness Solution to Pain.
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    AUTHOR

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    Chantal \shahn~ TAHL\
    A devastating beauty with a fiery personality. Part lover, part fighter.
    Chantals know how to make it rain. ​​Your life is incomplete if you lack a Chantal. A completely magical girl.
    - Urban Dictionary
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